Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Evans Spotted at BCS Championship Game

A source close to Evans claims that Thayer dressed up as Cecil Newton and attended the national title game between the #1 ranked Auburn Tigers and the #2 ranked Oregon Ducks in an attempt to discredit Cam Newton and the Auburn Tigers.

After being fired by the North Korean Government as Minister of Propaganda, Thayer Evans reportedly spent a month in Tibet over the holidays. It is apparent that peaceful reflection and meditation were no cure for Evans' incurable desire to lash out against Cam Newton and the Auburn Tigers. To think that such vindictive measures under the guise of "sports journalism" all stemmed from a neighborhood pickup basketball game defeat is just mind-boggling.

If it makes Mr. Evans happier, he can continue to write his hate filled opinion pieces for FoxSports.Com. It is widely known that some form of mental activity, no matter how minute, is healthy for disturbed individuals. So, Thayer Evans, bless your heart, and keep on trying to become normal. If hating Cam Newton and the Auburn Tigers is your road to recovery, then stay the course. Maybe one day, you will reach your goal.

In the meantime, the Auburn Nation will be praying for you. Sometimes people with mental illness can make a full recovery--you never know unless you try!!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Thayer Evans Quits!

According to unnamed sources at the Houston Chronicle, Thayer Evans resigned and decided that a change of scenery and a change of careers were both in order. Evans, for the past few weeks, has been reported to be severely depressed due to the lack of national attention on the stories he's been writing about Auburn University's star quarterback, Cameron Newton.

Research into the Thayer and Newton issue indicates that the hatred of Newton began 15 years ago when Evans was visiting relatives in Atlanta. According to the report, the Newton's lived in the same neighborhood as Todd Evans, Thayer's first cousin. Todd, age 15 and Thayer, age 16, according to sources, went to the neighborhood playground to play basketball, and were challenged by 6 year old Cam Newton to a 2-on-1 contest. Cam reportedly beat the Evans twice before they quit and went home. As they were leaving Thayer Evans was reported to have promised Newton that he would get even one day.

Now, days before Newton will assuredly win the nation's top football award, Evans has apparently quit once again. For an entire month, Thayer Evans wrote article after article demanding that Heisman voters not vote for Cam. He accused Newton of accepting money to play. He illegally investigated and reported on his collegiate record at the University of Florida. He constantly brought up a mistake Cam admitted to regarding a stolen laptop. He continued to beg Heisman voters not to vote for Cam Newton. All to no avail. Newton will easily win the Heisman, and his undefeated Auburn Tigers will play Oregon in the BCS National Championship game.

Thayer Evans failed in his mission, and is reported to have told co-workers that he intends to move to North Korea and apply for the job of Propaganda Minister which was recently vacated when Pak Wan Su was sentenced to 10 years in a hard labor facility for watching American Football on an illegal satellite dish.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Thayer Evans Nominated for the Hugo Award

"The Hugo Awards, to give them their full title, are awards for excellence in the field of science fiction and fantasy. They were first awarded in 1953, and have been awarded every year since 1955. The awards are run by and voted on by fans."*

This year, in the fantasy category, readers and fans have nominated Thayer Evans for his serial work about Cam Newton, the leading candidate for the Heisman Trophy. Evans' serials document sources claiming that Cam's father solicited money from people associate with Mississippi State University. They also have a historical twist where Evans' describes events about Cam's time at the University of Florida where Evans' claims Newton was accused of cheating (according to unnamed sources and potentially illegally obtained student records).

One Hugo voter, Howard Gullable, stated that "This is the best fantasy serial that I've ever read in the sports section!" Another voter exclaimed "He just keeps coming up with awesome articles that have no basis in reality--that's the definition of fantasy!"

*Definition from Wikipedia

Startling Turn of Events for Thayer Evans

In a surprise move today, FoxSports.com reportedly decided to suspend publishing further articles written by Thayer Evans due to accusations that he has simply been plagerizing himself for two weeks.

An investigation has reportedly been launched by NewsCorp, the parent company of FoxSports.com, to determine whether or not the allegations are true. Evans and his agent, Conway Twitty, had no comment.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Evans Father Declines Comment

When contacted, Thayer Evans father reportedly declined to comment. Sources claim that he refused repeated attempts by the media to contact him by telephone. There have been reported glimpses of a second Porche Carerra spotted in Mr. Evans' garage, but no conclusive evidence has been found linking it to the stories circulating on the web about the solicitation of funds from the University of Florida and Mississippi State University by Thayer Evans and his agent, Conway Twitty.

Evans Denies Wrongdoing

Today, in his online fan chat hosted by FoxSports.com, Thayer Evans categorically denied the accusations brought against him by unnamed sources stating "that really doesn't bother me. I'm an independent thinker." When asked about how it felt to tell the truth, Evans replied "it's rather refreshing." When asked if FoxSports.com or the Bear Bryant Award voters have contacted him, he answered "that's not necessarily the case."

Evans clearly has some strong proof of his "innocence," but as long as unnamed sources continue to report on Evans' past and present alleged transgressions, this reporter will be there to blog about them.

Thayer Evans - Caught Lying and Cheating

In 1989, the last time Auburn University was sited and placed on probabtion by the NCAA for rules violations, Thayer Evans was allegedly accused of stealing a fellow student's test and turning it in as his own. According to Morgan Elementary School disciplinary records, Evans was accused of stealing a test from a fellow student in Mrs. Prevericate's 4th grade class. Evans denied stealing the test, but was later proven wrong when the original student's name was discovered by examining pencil impressions on the paper. Morgan Elementary School officials declined comment stating "nobody is around from the old days any more, and how did you get those records, anyway?"

Evans repotedly transferred to Trinity Episcopal School to possibly avoid expulsion from Morgan Elementary. FoxSports.com, Evans current employer, has been notified of these serious charges. The National Sportscasters and Sportswriters Association has also been notified.

Bear Bryant Award Voters: PLEASE DON'T VOTE FOR THAYER EVANS! He cheated and lied when he was 9 years old!