According to unnamed sources at the Houston Chronicle, Thayer Evans resigned and decided that a change of scenery and a change of careers were both in order. Evans, for the past few weeks, has been reported to be severely depressed due to the lack of national attention on the stories he's been writing about Auburn University's star quarterback, Cameron Newton.
Research into the Thayer and Newton issue indicates that the hatred of Newton began 15 years ago when Evans was visiting relatives in Atlanta. According to the report, the Newton's lived in the same neighborhood as Todd Evans, Thayer's first cousin. Todd, age 15 and Thayer, age 16, according to sources, went to the neighborhood playground to play basketball, and were challenged by 6 year old Cam Newton to a 2-on-1 contest. Cam reportedly beat the Evans twice before they quit and went home. As they were leaving Thayer Evans was reported to have promised Newton that he would get even one day.
Now, days before Newton will assuredly win the nation's top football award, Evans has apparently quit once again. For an entire month, Thayer Evans wrote article after article demanding that Heisman voters not vote for Cam. He accused Newton of accepting money to play. He illegally investigated and reported on his collegiate record at the University of Florida. He constantly brought up a mistake Cam admitted to regarding a stolen laptop. He continued to beg Heisman voters not to vote for Cam Newton. All to no avail. Newton will easily win the Heisman, and his undefeated Auburn Tigers will play Oregon in the BCS National Championship game.
Thayer Evans failed in his mission, and is reported to have told co-workers that he intends to move to North Korea and apply for the job of Propaganda Minister which was recently vacated when Pak Wan Su was sentenced to 10 years in a hard labor facility for watching American Football on an illegal satellite dish.
